Fun Words
Below you will find a few items that have amused us over the years. Please note that some of these items contain strong language - you have been warned 
Favourite Quotes
"Listen to the stage manager and get on stage when he tells you to. No one has time for the rock star bullshit. None of the techs backstage care if you're David Bowie or the milkman. When you act like a jerk, they are completely unimpressed with the infantile display that you might think comes with your dubious status. They were there hours before you building the stage, and they will be there hours after you leave tearing it down. They should get your salary, and you should get theirs."
Henry Rollins
If it's wet, drink it.
If it's dry, smoke it.
If it moves, f*** it.
If it doesn't move…
…PUT IT ON THE TRUCK!
Anon
“The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There is also a negative side”.
Hunter S. Thompson"When the going gets weird, the weird get pro"
Hunter S. Thompson
Sound Engineer: n | saʊnd ɛndʒɪˌnɪə |
Someone who can make a good band sound brilliant, an average band good, and a bad band quiet!
Chas Stoddard
"Art is anything you can get away with"
Anon"Bagpipes, the missing link between music and noise"
Anon
Whoever invented the phrase "the show must go on" didn't give a rat's patootie about the technicians working backstage. Yeah, I know. Actors work very hard and yes, it's difficult to perform in front of people without proper rehearsals. But it's the crew putting the show together without enough time and too little sleep that are the ones at risk. Google some sleep deprivation studies or the effects of overtime. You'll find one report after another that describes just how badly people perform physical tasks when they haven't had enough sleep. Many report a significant loss of ability after 10 hours. And that was with breaks. How many of you have gone 12, 14 or 16 hours (or more) without a break? (Standing up at the catering table and wolfing down some flat meat in 5 minutes and then going back onto the truss does not constitute a break.)
And poor communications? I would be thrilled if we could raise our communication levels UP to "poor". Most of the time we're sitting hard on non-existent. Now be honest. How many times have you finished an effect for a show only to find that the producers cut it a week ago? And remember the time you ordered 12" tower and got truss instead? And how many times have they changed/rescheduled/added a meeting/rehearsal/focus call without telling you?
Which brings us to bravado. Bravado comes in many forms. There's the "it can't happen to me" type. That's the guy who climbs without a safety because, as he says, "I ain't gonna fall cause I ain't gonna let go". And then there's the "we don't have enough time so I know this shortcut" type. Being unwilling or unable to tell someone that there isn't enough time to do a particular job safely is an example of bravado gone wrong. So what's up with this? Why do we succumb to that "show must go on" crap?
Bill Sapsis, Sapsis Rigging Inc.
Dear Mr Band Leader
We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding on Saturday. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favourite songs. Please play these during the reception:
Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist duplicate John McLaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we loved his use of polyrhythms.
A Keith Jarrett composition from his solo albums. Please arrange it for the full group in the key of B, but nothing in 4/4 please.
One of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. Our guests love high register tenor saxes.
Immediately after the toast we thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. So please play "The Rite of Spring." We like a tempo of about 1/4 note = 93 and transpose it down 3 half-steps - it will be so much more appropriate for this occasion in the slightly lower register.
Then for the candle-lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand Wazoo." The original key of B flat, would be fine but my cousin Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo in the key of D - she has kind of a high voice.
When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, we would like just a bit of Varese's "Ionization." It's such a funny little piece, we think it would go over real well. Much better than "The Stripper."
And for the bride & groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings." It's so much nicer than "We've Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz."
When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear" - it's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.
Thanks for all your help. Depending on the outcome, we'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to our friends.
We'll have your check for the fee of £250 by the end of next month after we return from our honeymoon. We're a little short now as the young lady doing the balloon arch wanted her £1,850 in advance and the DJ had to be paid up front his £2,500 fee, plus the flowers are costing us more than the DJ.
Our daughter assured us that your love of music was greater than your need for money, and that you would welcome the exposure you would get from playing at this wedding.
Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a snack sandwich and a soda which you can eat in the kitchen (the bottles are returnable or you can pay the deposit to the butler).
Please set up an hour before the guests arrive and please do wait until the last guest has left before you pack up, so that they are not disturbed. We hope you and your musician friends have an enjoyable time.
PS: You are welcome to take one short five-minute toilet break after dessert is served.
Instructions for novice road crew
First, have a look at the 'day sheet' — that's a special piece of paper which tells you what time things are supposed to be happening and when you should turn up. A seedy looking man who smells of piss will give this to you (he is the Production Manager — his job is swindling the band, the promoter and the roadcrew all at the same time).
Firstly, when you get to the venue, help unload the truck. This is basically a big van full of musical equipment. There will be some local boys to help but that does not mean you can sit down and smoke cigs while they do it for you. If you are too scared to talk to the boys, the Stage Manager (he is the one who runs around pissing people off) will talk to them for you. Now the fun starts: those boxes have got lots of exciting stuff in them which all needs to be taken out and set up in the right place as quickly as possible so lets go! Top tip — keep the drawers full of unused batteries, gaffa tape, jack plugs and various lengths of cable firmly shut so that no-one asks any questions when you order another box of each.
During this part of the day, listen out for the giant mice. They live inside cheese shaped boxes at the front of the stage. They are operated by a mouse-meister who talks to them in a lost language of moans and whines called Scouse. On his command the mice squeak as loud as they can and all the roadcrew run away crying. This noise wakes up the Stage Manager and he fucks off the mouse-meister until the mice are dead.
When everything is set up and ready it is time for line check. Do not make the classic mistake that so many newcomers do — line check is about making sure that the musical equipment works, not testing cocaine. The cocaine has already been tested in the Production Office (which is a place similar to Atlantis — everyone has heard of it but no-one knows where it actually is).
Wow! Now it is time for the band to turn up. Make sure you get them to autograph some other band's album and also remember to give them a CD of songs that you wrote in 1992 when you were very high on mushrooms. The band will fart around for half an hour, put drinks and burning cigarettes on the equipment and then bugger off again.
Next up is dinner — basically free food for those who can't afford proper drugs.
Now for the main event of the day — opening the doors. At this point about twelve people will rush in and stand at the front looking nervous. Roughly ten minutes later the Sound Engineer (an old man with a bottle of wine) will amble out and put on the walk in music. This is a wax cylinder of favourite songs from his youth featuring artists such as George Formby and Mrs Mills. The kids will give up and go to the bar.
About half an hour later you will hear really loud shouting. This is the stage manager fucking off the house light operator. House lights are big lights that are in the building when you arrive and which you have leave there when you go. The house lights are turned off with a massive switch which a deaf dwarf has to operate, though he is really too small for the job. Eventually, about three minutes after the intro music finishes, the house lights will go off and suddenly come back on again (accompanied by more fucking off) then finally flicker off at which point the magic can begin…
The band run onstage and arse about for an hour or so. It's a bit annoying but it can't be avoided. While they are bothering on, use the time to catch up on sleep, read the paper, take drugs or play hide and seek with the rest of the roadcrew. This is also a good time to nick clothes, money and iPods from the dressing room. Watch out though for the tour manager (he is like a pissed up headmaster) and the rag slag (she touches rock star's pants — don't shake her hand). The pair of them are always on the prowl. Also if you see a ghostly see through figure near the dressing room that will be the manager — it can't see you so there is nothing to be scared of.
Boo… the band have finished and it is all over. Leave all the equipment on-stage and scamper back over to the dressing room. If you are lucky you will be able to scrounge drinks and ciggies and maybe kiss an ugly girl who the band don't fancy. Keep your head down though because the bastard stage manager will be looking for you. Eventually he will find you and shout his magic words repeatedly until you go back to the stage and pack away all that bloomin' equipment. What a swizz. At least the local boys will put it all back in the lorry so it's back to the bus for you.
The bus is like a normal bus but driven by a blind sweary bastard from somewhere up north. It is traditional to play a game called 'Slam The Door And Leggit'. The driver will wake up and run after you in his pants but he is old and slow. Eventually you can stop hiding and get onto the bus where there is a bed for you but you are not supposed to get in it. Instead, sit up all night in the back lounge, which is at the back but calling it a lounge is being economical with the truth. Here you can ponce off the lampies (they are big gay men who bother on about how great they are all the time). Make sure you stay up until three minutes before load in when you will finally be ready for bed. No need to set an alarm because the bastard man will come and get you.
That's it! You now have all the info you need to pretend to be a member of a professional roadcrew. Remember the roadcrew motto at all times — "WHY OH WHY DIDN'T I PAY ATTENTION AT SCHOOL?" Good luck out there…
Lightbulb Jokes
Q: How many Production managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "I'll get back to you on that."Q: How many Lead Singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He (or she) holds the bulb and the rest of the world revolves around him (or her).Q: How many Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he (or she) has to do it 100 times until he (or she) gets the sound just right.Q: How many stagehands does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - you got a problem with that?Q: How many wardrobe (or catering) girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to call an electrician the second to keep the rest of the crew from hitting on her.Q: How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they'll just fix it in the mix.Q: How many Monitor engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "one,two,one,two,one,two,one,two"Q: How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, get a fucking electrician to do it.Q: How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One: the new guy.Q: How many riggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Hey we just hang it, if you want the bulb changed get your lazy ass up there and change it yourself !"Q: How many backline techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know, I'll go out to the bus, wake one up and ask him.Q: How many tour accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Do we really need that bulb, can't we get by with the ones that are working, do you know how much those things cost?Q: How many Lighting techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: LAMP! IT'S CALLED A LAMP! WHAT ARE YOU, NEW?!!Q: How many Drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours because he won't ask for directions to the bulb storage.Q: How many house managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "I see the green M&M's in the rider, but I don't see anything about light bulbs"Q: How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six; one to change and the other five to sing about how good the old one was.Q: How many Acoustic Guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, One to do it and nine to complain that it needs electricity.Q: How many Actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 4, One to do it and three to discuss the motivation for the change.Q: How many lighting co. owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "There are no bulbs on this tour, this will be the easiest tour you've ever done, so we're going to pay you less and you'll be sharing a room."Q: How many groupies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Groupies screw in dressing rooms, not in light bulbs!Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 11, one to change the bulb, 10 to clap.Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well… Does it have to be a lightbulb? Why can't it be a candle?Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I DONT CARE- JUST DO IT!!!!!!Q: How many grips does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2, one to sweep up the glass and the other to pull out the base.Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 101 - one to screw it in, 50 to be on the guest list and 50 to stand back and say "Awww shit, I could do that!"
What is a Console operator?
Before you ask the Console operators your question(s). please read the common answers to the questions below:
- We do not take requests or dedications.
- Yes we do know what all these knobs do and no, we don't have to time to tell you. That also means you can't touch them.
- Yes we talk to the band and no we can't take notes or messages to them. This also means that you can't meet them without the appropriate pass which we don't keep or get.
- The small console is lighting and the big one is sound.
- The sound man is hired to mix the show. Please don't tell him how to do his job. He doesn't come to your place of employment and tell you how to do your job.
- We don't know where we're going to be tomorrow. Buy the tourbook or t-shirt which contains the tour info.
- Some people go to school for theis job and some don't. We have been in this industry for ___ years, not combined. There are a number of ways to get into this industry, which we don't have the time to go into right now.
- No, this is not necessarily the coolest job.
- We don't know how much this gear costs and it's leased for the tour.
- Yes, we travel with the band.
For any other questions please submit them in written form and we will do our best to reply
We thank you for your understanding in dealing with this issue.
Thank you and have a nice evening.
The Console Operators
Mathematics for jazz musicians
- If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down his amp.
- # (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is proportional to # (drinks he has consumed).
- 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + (4.667) + 4 + x, (where x is unknown) = 1 chorus trading with drummer.
- 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig
- If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) <1/20 (pay for gig).
- 1 uptempo tune + 1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights among horn players to solo first)
- 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x (Percocets) = >1 cleared house, where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.
- 2 (diddles) = paradiddle
- Jam session + eighth-note rest = missed opportunity.
- Jam session + (quarter-note rest or greater) = band on break.
- ((New + York)² - (NewNew + Yorkyork + Yorknew) + New York + 2 (Ride + Sally) - Sally) ÷ by (less than five seconds) = medley from hell
- (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (# of beats per measure) x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per chorus.
- If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y = volume level of drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist on break, then (d) (xyz /pay of the gig, in dollars), predicts the probability of pianist urinating in his instrument.
- "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge.
- "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the instrument.
- "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz vocalists who sing "Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among tunes most despised by instrumentalists.
- "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = √ of all evil.
- "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita + prime rib/limp eggrolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high society gig/Elks Club gig
- How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for drunk rich people?
Would you take it for ½ that much? (If yes): Desperation/pride > 1 - After you bid on the above gig for ¼ your worth, a college student offers to play the same gig for ½ as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but ½ as good-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you bother practicing?
- If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 at mm = 180, and the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8 measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?
- If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will attractive women notice? Will the drummer?
- If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful musician, but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who actually has larger genitalia?
- Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against the singer, or against one another?
Dear Abby
I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry. A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with". He agreed. Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other three. Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician?
Thanks
The Ultimate Rider
This is (allegedly) the rider for Iggy & The Stooges. Read on…
New medical terms
The new PC (Psychiatric Correctness) requires a reclassification of the following terms:
- Artistic Temperament - Now to be known as Borderline Personality Disorder with co-morbid depression indicated by mood swings and interchanging periods of elation and inertia.
- Inspiration - Now to be known as Paranoid Delusional State fixated on self-aggrandizement accompanied by co-morbid hyperactivity.
Lighting quotes simplified
Dear extremely well known and valued customer
Following your recent enquiry, PTC Productions LTD are pleased to offer you a variety of options, Tailor made to suit your budgetary requirements. Here is a drawing of Wembley, displaying your lifestyle choices.
- THE EBENEZER, Budget Class, traditional Value For Money. In Red under the beams 75m truss 3 points each, bobs your uncle. 1 rigger up, some one down.
- THE CLASSIC, For the slightly more discerning punter, as displayed in the Stage right quadrant of our free glossy brochure, 2 way bridles, points anywhere along the blue and black lines 2 up, anyone down. Very popular.
- THE DOG'S BOLLOCKS*. This really is for the production that cares, as shown in the stage left quadrant of our free glossy brochure, 3 leg bridles, points practically anyfuckingwhere. However, you would need 3 up, 1 down, a bottle of Bourbon and a couple of Gees of Bolivian flake.
*Comes complete with bags of attitude, sarcasm and lip at no extra cost.
Remember you choose…
Regards,
Peter Kalopsidiotis,
Creative manager, PTC Productions LTD (the new corporate look of PTG Production)
PS. All our Greeks guaranteed bonafide Cypriots, never been to Athens, honest guv.
Roland The Roadie & Gertrude The Groupie
(SPOKEN INTRO: Now Roland the Roadie was only a toadie
Who set up the lights and the mikes for the show
And Gertrude the Groupie was a rock 'n roll fan
Who stood by the stage door in the rains and the snows.)
Roland the Roadie met Gertrude the Groupie
At a rock concert back in Bayonne.
He tried to seduce her, said he'd introduce her
To all of the Beatles and Stones.
Roland the Roadie got Gertrude the Groupie
A seat in the balcony above.
And Gertrude the Groupie felt grateful and groovy
But Roland the Roadie felt love...
CHORUS:
And some folks love ham hocks
And some folks love pork chops
And some folks love vegetable soup
And Roland the Roadie loves Gertrude the Groupie
But Gertrude the Groupie loves groups!
She stood up and screamed as the amber spot beamed
On her heroes so skinny and tall
With the eyelids so droopy, and Gertrude the Groupie
Knew she was in love with them all!
Roland the Roadie told Gertrude the Groupie
To wait, and he'd be her man
But while he dreamt of a rose-covered home
She was out with the group in the van
(interlude with shouts: Gertie...Gertie!
I know you're in there, baby--
The whole trailer's movin', baby!
What about me?
Gertie....Gertie?)
Now Roland the Roadie is back on the road
His heart has been broken again
And Gertrude the Groupie waits out in the cold
For the very next group to come in
CHORUS
And some folks love ham hocks
And some folks love pork chops
And some folks love vegetable soup
And Roland the Roadie loves Gertrude the Groupie
But Gertrude the Groupie loves groups...groups...groups..
(word repeats as Dennis laments: "she likes congos, trios, anybody,
baby!" and other ravings)
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