Below you will find a few items that have amused us over the years. Please note that some of these items contain strong language - you have been warned

Favourite Quotes

"Listen to the stage manager and get on stage when he tells you to. No one has time for the rock star bullshit. None of the techs backstage care if you're David Bowie or the milkman. When you act like a jerk, they are completely unimpressed with the infantile display that you might think comes with your dubious status. They were there hours before you building the stage, and they will be there hours after you leave tearing it down. They should get your salary, and you should get theirs."
Henry Rollins

"The problem with the world is stupidity. Not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself ?"
Frank Zappa

If it's wet, drink it.
If it's dry, smoke it.
If it moves, f*** it.
If it doesn't move…
…PUT IT ON THE TRUCK!
Anon

“The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.  There is also a negative side”.
Hunter S. Thompson

"When the going gets weird, the weird get pro"
Hunter S. Thompson

Sound Engineer: n | saʊnd ɛndʒɪˌnɪə |

Someone who can make a good band sound brilliant, an average band good, and a bad band quiet!

"Art is anything you can get away with"
Anon

"Bagpipes, the missing link between music and noise"
Anon

“I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity the sound achieved by the pig."
Alfred Hitchcock

"Your bonus is in your tour jacket pocket"
Anonymous Tour Manager

Whoever invented the phrase "the show must go on" didn't give a rat's patootie about the technicians working backstage. Yeah, I know. Actors work very hard and yes, it's difficult to perform in front of people without proper rehearsals. But it's the crew putting the show together without enough time and too little sleep that are the ones at risk. Google some sleep deprivation studies or the effects of overtime. You'll find one report after another that describes just how badly people perform physical tasks when they haven't had enough sleep. Many report a significant loss of ability after 10 hours. And that was with breaks. How many of you have gone 12, 14 or 16 hours (or more) without a break? (Standing up at the catering table and wolfing down some flat meat in 5 minutes and then going back onto the truss does not constitute a break.)

And poor communications? I would be thrilled if we could raise our communication levels UP to "poor". Most of the time we're sitting hard on non-existent. Now be honest. How many times have you finished an effect for a show only to find that the producers cut it a week ago? And remember the time you ordered 12" tower and got truss instead? And how many times have they changed/rescheduled/added a meeting/rehearsal/focus call without telling you?

Which brings us to bravado. Bravado comes in many forms. There's the "it can't happen to me" type. That's the guy who climbs without a safety because, as he says, "I ain't gonna fall cause I ain't gonna let go". And then there's the "we don't have enough time so I know this shortcut" type. Being unwilling or unable to tell someone that there isn't enough time to do a particular job safely is an example of bravado gone wrong. So what's up with this? Why do we succumb to that "show must go on" crap?

Bill Sapsis, Sapsis Rigging Inc.

Dear Mr Band Leader

We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding on Saturday. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favourite songs. Please play these during the reception:

Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist duplicate John McLaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we loved his use of polyrhythms.

A Keith Jarrett composition from his solo albums. Please arrange it for the full group in the key of B, but nothing in 4/4 please.

One of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. Our guests love high register tenor saxes.

Immediately after the toast we thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. So please play "The Rite of Spring." We like a tempo of about 1/4 note = 93 and transpose it down 3 half-steps - it will be so much more appropriate for this occasion in the slightly lower register.

Then for the candle-lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand Wazoo." The original key of B flat, would be fine but my cousin Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo in the key of D - she has kind of a high voice.

When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, we would like just a bit of Varese's "Ionization." It's such a funny little piece, we think it would go over real well. Much better than "The Stripper."

And for the bride & groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings." It's so much nicer than "We've Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz."

When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear" - it's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.

Thanks for all your help. Depending on the outcome, we'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to our friends.

We'll have your check for the fee of £250 by the end of next month after we return from our honeymoon. We're a little short now as the young lady doing the balloon arch wanted her £1,850 in advance and the DJ had to be paid up front his £2,500 fee, plus the flowers are costing us more than the DJ.

Our daughter assured us that your love of music was greater than your need for money, and that you would welcome the exposure you would get from playing at this wedding.

Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a snack sandwich and a soda which you can eat in the kitchen (the bottles are returnable or you can pay the deposit to the butler).

Please set up an hour before the guests arrive and please do wait until the last guest has left before you pack up, so that they are not disturbed. We hope you and your musician friends have an enjoyable time.

PS: You are welcome to take one short five-minute toilet break after dessert is served.

Instructions for novice road crew

First, have a look at the 'day sheet' — that's a special piece of paper which tells you what time things are supposed to be happening and when you should turn up. A seedy looking man who smells of piss will give this to you (he is the Production Manager — his job is swindling the band, the promoter and the roadcrew all at the same time).

Firstly, when you get to the venue, help unload the truck. This is basically a big van full of musical equipment. There will be some local boys to help but that does not mean you can sit down and smoke cigs while they do it for you. If you are too scared to talk to the boys, the Stage Manager (he is the one who runs around pissing people off) will talk to them for you. Now the fun starts: those boxes have got lots of exciting stuff in them which all needs to be taken out and set up in the right place as quickly as possible so lets go! Top tip — keep the drawers full of unused batteries, gaffa tape, jack plugs and various lengths of cable firmly shut so that no-one asks any questions when you order another box of each.

During this part of the day, listen out for the giant mice. They live inside cheese shaped boxes at the front of the stage. They are operated by a mouse-meister who talks to them in a lost language of moans and whines called Scouse. On his command the mice squeak as loud as they can and all the roadcrew run away crying. This noise wakes up the Stage Manager and he fucks off the mouse-meister until the mice are dead.

When everything is set up and ready it is time for line check. Do not make the classic mistake that so many newcomers do — line check is about making sure that the musical equipment works, not testing cocaine. The cocaine has already been tested in the Production Office (which is a place similar to Atlantis — everyone has heard of it but no-one knows where it actually is).

Wow! Now it is time for the band to turn up. Make sure you get them to autograph some other band's album and also remember to give them a CD of songs that you wrote in 1992 when you were very high on mushrooms. The band will fart around for half an hour, put drinks and burning cigarettes on the equipment and then bugger off again.

Next up is dinner — basically free food for those who can't afford proper drugs.

Now for the main event of the day — opening the doors. At this point about twelve people will rush in and stand at the front looking nervous. Roughly ten minutes later the Sound Engineer (an old man with a bottle of wine) will amble out and put on the walk in music. This is a wax cylinder of favourite songs from his youth featuring artists such as George Formby and Mrs Mills. The kids will give up and go to the bar.

About half an hour later you will hear really loud shouting. This is the stage manager fucking off the house light operator. House lights are big lights that are in the building when you arrive and which you have leave there when you go. The house lights are turned off with a massive switch which a deaf dwarf has to operate, though he is really too small for the job. Eventually, about three minutes after the intro music finishes, the house lights will go off and suddenly come back on again (accompanied by more fucking off) then finally flicker off at which point the magic can begin…

The band run onstage and arse about for an hour or so. It's a bit annoying but it can't be avoided. While they are bothering on, use the time to catch up on sleep, read the paper, take drugs or play hide and seek with the rest of the roadcrew. This is also a good time to nick clothes, money and iPods from the dressing room. Watch out though for the tour manager (he is like a pissed up headmaster) and the rag slag (she touches rock star's pants — don't shake her hand). The pair of them are always on the prowl. Also if you see a ghostly see through figure near the dressing room that will be the manager — it can't see you so there is nothing to be scared of.

Boo… the band have finished and it is all over. Leave all the equipment on-stage and scamper back over to the dressing room. If you are lucky you will be able to scrounge drinks and ciggies and maybe kiss an ugly girl who the band don't fancy. Keep your head down though because the bastard stage manager will be looking for you. Eventually he will find you and shout his magic words repeatedly until you go back to the stage and pack away all that bloomin' equipment. What a swizz. At least the local boys will put it all back in the lorry so it's back to the bus for you.

The bus is like a normal bus but driven by a blind sweary bastard from somewhere up north. It is traditional to play a game called 'Slam The Door And Leggit'. The driver will wake up and run after you in his pants but he is old and slow. Eventually you can stop hiding and get onto the bus where there is a bed for you but you are not supposed to get in it. Instead, sit up all night in the back lounge, which is at the back but calling it a lounge is being economical with the truth. Here you can ponce off the lampies (they are big gay men who bother on about how great they are all the time). Make sure you stay up until three minutes before load in when you will finally be ready for bed. No need to set an alarm because the bastard man will come and get you.

That's it! You now have all the info you need to pretend to be a member of a professional roadcrew. Remember the roadcrew motto at all times — "WHY OH WHY DIDN'T I PAY ATTENTION AT SCHOOL?" Good luck out there…

Lightbulb Jokes

Q: How many Production managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "I'll get back to you on that."

Q: How many Lead Singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He (or she) holds the bulb and the rest of the world revolves around him (or her).

Q: How many Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he (or she) has to do it 100 times until he (or she) gets the sound just right.

Q: How many stagehands does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - you got a problem with that?

Q: How many wardrobe (or catering) girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to call an electrician the second to keep the rest of the crew from hitting on her.

Q: How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they'll just fix it in the mix.

Q: How many Monitor engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "one,two,one,two,one,two,one,two"

Q: How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, get a fucking electrician to do it.

Q: How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One: the new guy.

Q: How many riggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Hey we just hang it, if you want the bulb changed get your lazy ass up there and change it yourself !"

Q: How many backline techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know, I'll go out to the bus, wake one up and ask him.

Q: How many tour accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Do we really need that bulb, can't we get by with the ones that are working, do you know how much those things cost?

Q: How many Lighting techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: LAMP! IT'S CALLED A LAMP! WHAT ARE YOU, NEW?!!

Q: How many Drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours because he won't ask for directions to the bulb storage.

Q: How many house managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "I see the green M&M's in the rider, but I don't see anything about light bulbs"

Q: How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six; one to change and the other five to sing about how good the old one was.

Q: How many Acoustic Guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, One to do it and nine to complain that it needs electricity.

Q: How many Actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 4, One to do it and three to discuss the motivation for the change.

Q: How many lighting co. owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "There are no bulbs on this tour, this will be the easiest tour you've ever done, so we're going to pay you less and you'll be sharing a room."

Q: How many groupies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Groupies screw in dressing rooms, not in light bulbs!

Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 11, one to change the bulb, 10 to clap.

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well… Does it have to be a lightbulb? Why can't it be a candle?

Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I DONT CARE- JUST DO IT!!!!!!

Q: How many grips does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2, one to sweep up the glass and the other to pull out the base.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 101 - one to screw it in, 50 to be on the guest list and 50 to stand back and say "Awww shit, I could do that!"

What is a Console operator?

Mathematics for jazz musicians

1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down his amp.
2. # (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is proportional to # (drinks he has consumed).
3. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + (4.667) + 4 + x, (where x is unknown) = 1 chorus trading with drummer.
4. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig
5. If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) <¹/₂₀ (pay for gig).
6. 1 uptempo tune + 1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights among horn players to solo first)
7. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x (Percocets) = >1 cleared house, where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.
8. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle
9. Jam session + eighth-note rest = missed opportunity.
10. Jam session + (quarter-note rest or greater) = band on break.
11. ((New + York)² - (NewNew + Yorkyork + Yorknew) + New York + 2 (Ride + Sally) - Sally) ÷ by (less than five seconds) = medley from hell
12. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (# of beats per measure) x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per chorus.
13. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y = volume level of drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist on break, then (d) (xyz /pay of the gig, in dollars), predicts the probability of pianist urinating in his instrument.
14. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge.
15. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the instrument.
16. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz vocalists who sing "Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among tunes most despised by instrumentalists.
17. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = √ of all evil.
18. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita + prime rib/limp eggrolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high society gig/Elks Club gig
19. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for drunk rich people?
    Would you take it for ½ that much? (If yes): Desperation/pride > 1
20. After you bid on the above gig for ¼ your worth, a college student offers to play the same gig for ½ as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but ½ as good-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you bother practicing?
21. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 at mm = 180, and the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8 measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?
22. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will attractive women notice? Will the drummer?
23. If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful musician, but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who actually has larger genitalia?
24. Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against the singer, or against one another?

Dear Abby

I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry. A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with". He agreed. Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other three. Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician?

Thanks

The Ultimate Rider

This is (allegedly) the rider for Iggy & The Stooges. Read on…

New medical terms

The new PC (Psychiatric Correctness) requires a reclassification of the following terms:

• Artistic Temperament - Now to be known as Borderline Personality Disorder with co-morbid depression indicated by mood swings and interchanging periods of elation and inertia.
• Inspiration - Now to be known as Paranoid Delusional State fixated on self-aggrandizement accompanied by co-morbid hyperactivity.

Lighting quotes simplified

Dear extremely well known and valued customer

Following your recent enquiry, PTC Productions LTD are pleased to offer you a variety of options, Tailor made to suit your budgetary requirements. Here is a drawing of Wembley, displaying your lifestyle choices.

1. THE EBENEZER, Budget Class, traditional Value For Money. In Red under the beams 75m truss 3 points each, bobs your uncle. 1 rigger up, some one down.
2. THE CLASSIC, For the slightly more discerning punter, as displayed in the Stage right quadrant of our free glossy brochure, 2 way bridles, points anywhere along the blue and black lines 2 up, anyone down. Very popular.
3. THE DOG'S BOLLOCKS*. This really is for the production that cares, as shown in the stage left quadrant of our free glossy brochure, 3 leg bridles, points practically anyfuckingwhere. However, you would need 3 up, 1 down, a bottle of Bourbon and a couple of Gees of Bolivian flake.
   *Comes complete with bags of attitude, sarcasm and lip at no extra cost.

Remember you choose…

Regards,
Peter Kalopsidiotis,

Creative manager, PTC Productions LTD (the new corporate look of PTG Production)

PS. All our Greeks guaranteed bonafide Cypriots, never been to Athens, honest guv.

Roland The Roadie & Gertrude The Groupie

(SPOKEN INTRO: Now Roland the Roadie was only a toadie
Who set up the lights and the mikes for the show
And Gertrude the Groupie was a rock 'n roll fan
Who stood by the stage door in the rains and the snows.)

Roland the Roadie met Gertrude the Groupie
At a rock concert back in Bayonne.
He tried to seduce her, said he'd introduce her
To all of the Beatles and Stones.

Roland the Roadie got Gertrude the Groupie
A seat in the balcony above.
And Gertrude the Groupie felt grateful and groovy
But Roland the Roadie felt love...

CHORUS:
And some folks love ham hocks
And some folks love pork chops
And some folks love vegetable soup
And Roland the Roadie loves Gertrude the Groupie
But Gertrude the Groupie loves groups!

She stood up and screamed as the amber spot beamed
On her heroes so skinny and tall
With the eyelids so droopy, and Gertrude the Groupie
Knew she was in love with them all!

Roland the Roadie told Gertrude the Groupie
To wait, and he'd be her man
But while he dreamt of a rose-covered home
She was out with the group in the van

(interlude with shouts: Gertie...Gertie!
I know you're in there, baby--
The whole trailer's movin', baby!
What about me?
Gertie....Gertie?)

Now Roland the Roadie is back on the road
His heart has been broken again
And Gertrude the Groupie waits out in the cold
For the very next group to come in

CHORUS
And some folks love ham hocks
And some folks love pork chops
And some folks love vegetable soup
And Roland the Roadie loves Gertrude the Groupie
But Gertrude the Groupie loves groups...groups...groups..
(word repeats as Dennis laments: "she likes congos, trios, anybody,
baby!" and other ravings)

Stress Relief

Beat those work-a-day blues with a sheet of bubblewrap.

Bush Speech Generator

Make up your very own speech by Dubya.

The Ten Commandments of a Roadie

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's gaffa tape.
2. Thou shalt not steal kit – unless it belongs to the band or the venue.
3. Thou shalt not suffer any ‘health food’ to live – chips and curry shalt be fine.
4. If it moves, thou shalt shag it.
5. If thou cannot shag it, thou shalt plug it in.
6. If thou cannot shag it nor plug it in, thou shalt load it on to the truck.
7. Occasionally, heathen types may say onto you “turn it down”. Yea verily, unto them shall you say “bollocks”.
8. Be thou wary of tour managers, for they are satan’s children, sent to try thy patience to the utmost. In extreme cases, thou shalt administer a sound beating with thy holy six-cell maglite.
9. Should any heathen come unto you and say verily “how many roadies doth it take to change a light bulb?” thou shalt rise above the occasion and not react. However, thou shalt drop an amp rack on the peasant at the first opportunity.
10. Thou shalt always remember the first law of the Gospel according to St Roadie, which reads, “There is no such thing as too loud. ”

Production Manager's Checklist

PRE-PRODUCTION

• Come up with all the ideas
• Praise the producer upon having the genius to come up with such inspired and practical ideas
• Do all the hard graft and make the original, practical and achievable plans work once the producer has decided that it should change – again – (“but of course it won’t cost any more, will it” – statement, not question)
• Agree to book all the producer’s favourite crew on the job
• Book your own crew who can actually do the job
• Attempt to schedule in sleep breaks to the 26 hour working day that has been agreed with the client
• Hide as much bunce as possible in the budget and never tell the producer. (This has the negative effect of making producer’s margins look excellent, thus leading to promotion/pay-rise/directorship/or, worst of all, thinking that they are good enough to go freelance).
• Provide a shoulder to lean on when the producer can’t take any more

ONSITE

• Be on site all the time
• Wake the producer up
• Smile at the client
• Make suggestions to the producer when they decide to change everything again
• Say, “Of course you can,” and smile when the producer asks if they can make ‘just one more call’ on your personal mobile
• Carry a big bucket and spade to clear up, cheerfully, after the producer
• Provide cigarettes
• Carry enough beer tokens to dissuade the crew from mutiny
• Look cheerful and alert on no sleep
• Be ecstatic and honoured upon the invitation to sit at the client's table during the gala dinner
• Provide a shoulder to lean on when the producer can’t take any more
• Congratulate the producer upon yet another successful event
• Say, “It’s alright, I’ll deal with all the rest, you go to bed,” and look as if you mean it

POST-PRODUCTION

• Be in the office first thing after an all-night get-out to reconcile the job
• Take the blame for any overspend, even if it had nothing to do with you
• Don’t expect any thanks
• Don’t expect any credit
• Don’t expect to get paid for quite some time
• Do expect, before payment of any previous invoice, to come in, “and just do a quick costing for me darling.”

Quotes you'll never hear

From the Stage Manager:

• "It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal."
• "Take your time getting back from break."
• "We've been ready for hours."
• "No, I called that perfectly the first time - let's move on."
• "The headsets are working perfectly."
• "The orchestra has no complaints."
• "The whole company is standing by whenever you want them."
• "That didn't take long."
• "No thanks, I don't drink."

From the Producer:

• "Of course there's enough money to go around."
• "We have money left over!"
• "No thanks, I don't drink."

From the Director:

• "Wow, the designers were right on, weren't they?"
• "No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later."
• "I think the scene changes are too fast"
• "Of course I think we'll be ready in time for opening."
• "The crew? Why they're just wonderful!"
• "No thanks, I don't drink."

From the Designers:

• "Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time."
• "Yes, it absolutely is my fault that the set looks awful."
• "You know, you may have a point there."
• "The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wanted."
• "We have too many gel colours in stock, I can't choose."
• "The shop will have the costumes ready on time."
• "No thanks, I don't drink."

From the Technical Director:

• "This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen."
• "We built it right the first time."
• "No problem, I'll deal with that right away."
• "I love designers."
• "No thanks, I don't drink."

From the Actor:

• "Don't. . .Let's not talk about me."
• "I think my big scene should be cut."
• "This costume is SO comfortable."
• "I love my shoes."
• "No problem, I can do that for myself."
• "I have a fantastic agent."
• "Let me stand down here with my back to the audience."
• "I'm sure someone told me there was a wall there, I just forgot."
• "Without the crew the show would never run- let's thank them."
• "No thanks, I don't drink."

From the Stage Crew:

• "There's room for that over here."
• "We'll get in early tomorrow to do it."
• "No, no. I'm sure that is our job."
• "Anything I can do to help."
• "All the tools are locked away carefully."
• "Can we do that scene change again, please?"
• "It's a marvellous show."
• "We don't need this many on the crew."
• "No thanks, I don't drink."

Notes for the care of technicians

DO look after your technician, they can make life easy or extremely difficult if you don’t.

DO offer your technician lots of tea/coffee/beer, they work best when they are well watered.

DO remember a technician likes to eat as well. Just because they have to work on while you eat, it doesn’t mean that they are on a diet.

DO smile when you ask for the impossible, and if you offer food/drink or money in the same sentence, it will considerably improve your chances.

DO remember that technicians are not delicate flowers and occasional exposure to sunlight is not harmful.

DON’T ask your technician to start too early in the morning, they have probably been up half the night getting someone else out of trouble.

DON’T bother separating the dancers/models/hostesses from your technician, both are endangered minorities and should be actively encouraged.

DON’T forget to invite your technician to the after show party. They probably won’t be there as they will be doing the get-out, but it will be remembered. In case they do grace the occasion, remember to save some beer especially for them.

Always remember to look after your technician. If looked after properly they will give you hours of fun and amusement performing miracles with bits of wire and a roll of gaffa tape with little regard for the wages you can afford to pay.

No Comment :-)

Definition of touring crew

• You only ever measure in strides, tape measures are for girls.
• You always have a Gerber, Leatherman or similar on you.
• You move house using flight cases.
• You tape down your door mat with Gaffa Tape.
• You dial 9 to get an outside line from your phone at home.
• You can’t sleep unless you have a CD playing the sound of a tour bus engine running next to your bed.
• You never go to an event unless you’re being paid to be there.
• If for some reason you do pay to go to an event, by the end you end up getting to know the crew on it and helping them get out.
• You label everything with amusing labels.
• You refer to pieces of equipment like they were people with feelings.
• You get irritated by people who presume magical fairies make it all happen, so moving the cable runs 10 min before show time is fine.
• Your most prized possession is your hammock.
• You refer to people as "punters".
• How good a pair of trousers are is proportional to the number of pockets they have.
• You can work no matter how drunk you are.
• You start thinking about bands like X Factor judges, as you have seen so many they have to be really shit hot to be worth not slating.
• You get irritated by a building that has stairs or steps.
• When you first meet someone you ask them "lampy, soundy or vidiot?"
• You have NEVER paid for a packet of batteries/4 way mains block/13 amp plug/ speaker wire/ cable of any kind.
• You approach a bird in a pub when on tour in a foreign country—and she says her mother warned her about the boys with C R E W on their shirts, they are bad and only want sex and drink.
• When somebody asks what you do you either have to spend at least half an hour answering stupid questions or put up with them saying "oh... ummm... that's... interesting.... umm...........
• You meet someone famous and don’t care.
• The photos on your computer are of cable runs and gen sets not family and friends
• You know major cities only by their hotels and venues.
• You don’t buy clothes, you wear swag.
• You regard your work as your social life.

Jokes

While working on an outdoor show near a beach, a Production manager and two crew go for a walk after lunch. Strolling along the beach they find a lamp, one of the crew picks up the lamp and jokingly rubs it, to their surprise a genie pops out. She tells them that she is required to give 3 wishes and so they will each get one. The first crew member says he wants to be on a yacht full of beautiful women sailing around the world with no money worries and never touring again.

The second crew member says he's been touring with the 1st crew member for so long he never wants to see him again so he'll have the same wish but on a different ocean. Then it's the PM's turn, he thinks for a few minutes and says, "I want them both back by show time".

Q: What's the difference between a monitor engineer and a toilet?
A: The toilet only has to deal with one arsehole at a time!

Wile watching a music show on TV, a little boy runs up to his mother (a former groupie) and shouts, "Mummy! Mummy!  I want to be a drummer when I grow up!"

The mother trying not to laugh sweetly replies, "You can't do BOTH, dear."

A short while later the little boy asks, "Mummy, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?"

The mother again trying not to laugh replies, "it's harder to hit a moving target."

When Keith Moon died he woke up and found himself on a stage with instruments all set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly.

Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are taken but, to Keith's immense pleasure, the drums. He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."

The Ultimate Guide to Touring

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need to get off the tour!

If you wake up in a hotel room and start wrapping up the power cord on the alarm clock, you probably need to get off the road for a while!

If you get home and can't sleep without the sound of the bus engine, a Maglite and your pass by your bed, it's too late!

If you think "Q" is a word, it's too late!

If you think the red traffic light means "standby", it's too late!

If you have to ask your neighbor for directions to: the local pub, supermarket, etc., you've been on the road too long!

Touring is like going to school:

• You're told when to get on and off the bus, when to eat, when its playtime, when its naptime.
• Sometimes there's a field trip, you have to pay attention because there might be a test, if you don't pass the tests you can't go on the next tour.
• If you're a good student, (crew member) the teacher (PM) will give you a star (swag).
• If you misbehave, you get sent home (on a good tour) or you get detention (you stay on a bad tour).

What pylons get up to when no one's watching

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

i was sitting at my desk when i remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, When I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic  'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi,  this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I  asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Road in Bristol . It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'

I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Road, in Bristol . It's a yellow house and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' And hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole.'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass.'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oak Tree Road in Bristol, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called the local TV News channel about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Road in Bristol.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Oak Tree Road.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better !!

Anger management really does work.

Definition of Touring Crew

You only ever measure in strides, tape measures are for girls
You always have a Gerber, Leatherman or similar on you.

You move house using flight cases
You tape down your door mat with Gaffa Tape

You dial 9 to get an outside line from your phone at home
You can’t sleep unless you have a CD playing the sound of a tour bus engine running next to your bed.

You never go to an event unless you’re being paid to be there
If for some reason you do pay to go to an event, by the end you end up getting to know the crew on it and helping them get out

You label everything with amusing labels
You refer to pieces of equipment like they were people with feelings

You get irritated by people who presume magical fairies make it all happen, so moving the cable runs 10 min before show time is fine

Your most prized possession is your hammock

You refer to people as "punters"

How good a pair of trousers are is proportional to the number of pockets they have

You can work no matter how drunk you are

You start thinking about bands like x factor judges, as you have seen so many they have to be really shit hot to be worth not slating

You get irritated by a building that has stairs or steps

When you first meet someone you ask them "lampy, soundy or vidiot?"
You have NEVER paid for a packet of batteries/4 way mains block/13 amp plug/ speaker wire/ cable of any kind

You approach a bird in a pub when on tour in a foreign country- and she says her mother warned her about the boys with C R E W on their shirts, they are bad and only want sex and drink.

When somebody asks what you do you either have to spend at least half an hour answering stupid questions or put up with them saying "oh... ummm... that's... interesting.... umm...........

You meet someone famous and don’t care.
The photos on your computer are of cable runs and gen sets not family and friends

You know major cities only by their hotels and venues
You don’t buy clothes, you wear swag
You regard your work as your social life.